Happiness

I struggled with this over the past couple of days... What is happiness?  Does it exist?  Or, is it simply what we make it? Am I just not meant to be happy?

Happiness is defined as contentment or pleasure.  So, in a way, it is simply what we make it.  Running makes me happy.  It's my thing.  However, I have friends who would rather endure water boarding than even think about running.  So, running doesn't make them happy, but maybe fishing does.  I'm not a huge fan of fishing, but I can tolerate it.  You catch my drift... So, happiness does exist.  In some shape, form or fashion, it can be a state that people exist in. 

But, how do you get there?  Can everyone be happy?  Is everyone meant to be happy? 

I think that happiness is part choice and perspective.  I have told myself I was happy for many years, all the while I was living in a relationship that was draining everything good out of me.  I made choices that I would be happy in those circumstances.  I always sought out worse circumstances that I could be thankful I wasn't enduring... So, in comparison, I was happy.

But, that form of happiness doesn't last long.  It can't.  Because, while there are many in worse circumstances than our own, there are also those in MUCH better circumstances.  It's hard to convince yourself that you're happy when everyone around you is living in circumstances that are better than your own.  Especially, when the better that they are experiencing doesn't come from tangible things. 

For me, I was making the best of a husband that lied, cheated, used, abused (not physically), and drained me and our relationship of everything good.  He took and took and took without ever giving anything back.  He never respected me.  He never truly loved me...  Although I do believe that he loved me as much as he was capable of loving.  He never honored me or cherished me.  I could go on and on. 

I continued to surround myself with people who were living in marriages that had all of these things.  And, as hard as I tried, the happiness that I was trying to create in my own situation was being sucked out of faster than I could create it. 

It's exhausting to give continuously to someone who takes all of the time.  Who not only takes, but demands more.  And, when I couldn't give anymore, I was told that if I would give more, then I would receive more... Except that never happened.  And, when I continuously never received, I would back away from giving and try to take care of myself... Only to be told that I was the kind of person that would never be happy... It didn't matter what or how much was given to me, I would never be satisfied.

After hearing that for years, you start to believe it.  Or, at least, I did.  And, that would just perpetuate the situation.  I would feel as if I were being selfish, so I needed to give more of myself.  It's a cycle that is just so hard to break.  It is a steady force in life that just waits for people to have the little seeds of discontentment planted.  Then, it grows like a vine.  Wrapping around, twisting, tangling, choking the life out of you. 

The guilt can be so overwhelming that it's hard to move past it.  To see things as they are.  To learn to take responsibility for what you are supposed to and creating boundaries to prevent taking on responsibilities for everyone else. 

It's a process, learning these things.  It's one step forward, two steps back a lot of times.  Or, sometimes, when things are going your way, it's three steps forward with only one back. 

And, through this dance of learning, which is life, just as the boundaries start to form, there becomes visible this little glimmer on the horizon.  And, that glimmer is happiness.  A happiness that comes from setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, so that you can take care of others.  It comes from realizing that loving someone is the hardest thing you will ever endure because you have to love them from afar.  It is the self-respect, the love, the honor that you give yourself. 

And, when you learn to give those things to yourself, the happiness that you experience becomes joy.  And, that doesn't go away, even in the midst of chaos, because it is something that you've learned to be self-sufficient in.

J - O - Y

Somehow in the midst of it all, I am discovering joy... Not happiness, but joy.

There is a difference between the two that I'm not sure if I have the words to explain. But, when you are joyful, you'll know it.

We have a court date this week. It is for temporary custody, child support, etc... I know that with this comes nights away from my children. I will have to start letting their father take them. Probably overnight.

And, while I am not excited about this, I am at peace. I know that God will take care of my babies. And, I know that His plan for their lives is perfect... No matter if it's all if the same plans I have for them or not.

I am trusting God with all that will happen and all that is happening, and even all that has already happened. With that trust, I have found peace. And, finding that peace has allowed me to rediscover joy.

I didn't know how empty of peace and joy I have been until I started rediscovering it. And, I'm just getting started!

I know that there are rough days ahead. But, I know that these dark times will soon pass and I'll be back on the mountain top again.

I will praise Him in the valleys and on the mountain tops!


xoxo

My Way or No Way

"If you had met me for lunch after meeting the counselor, I would have given you money."

This is what the husband told me tonight when I asked for money to pay for the kids school, extra-curricular activities, and MEDICINE!

I don't know that there is a word that describes the level of anger I felt at that moment. How can someone that claims to love their kids and desires to do what is in their best interest not be willing to financially support their children?!??

The husband said to me that he is just doing what his attorney advises him to do. Yet, he was willing to go against the attorney if I had gone to lunch with him. But, he's not willing to go against his attorney's advice to do what's right and take care of his kids.

Yet, I'm the one who is not looking out for their best interest because I don't allow him to see the kids on his terms. Meaning, I won't let him leave with the kids (because we do not have any type of legal agreement stating that he must bring them home to me).

But, I have several text messages that I sent to him saying he can see the kids whenever he would like, as often as he would like. However, he hasn't put forth the effort to see them.

His excuse? I won't let him see them like he wants to.

Dude, you used and sold cocaine! You slept with at least 5 women in as many years as we were married... One of which had your baby!

No, I DO NOT trust you to care for our kids! You've never cared for them on your own before. Actually, you've never spent much more than a half hour at a time with them!

So, if he wants to continue on this path of "my way or no way" that's his problem. NOT MINE!

I refuse to continue to let him bully me into doing/saying/feeling things differently than what I want. I am over it!

xoxo

A Very Bad, No Good Day

Night before last night I told the husband that there was no repairing our marriage. After much prayer and reflection, I have realized that there can no longer be an 'us'.

He decided, then, that he wanted to see the kids yesterday... For the fourth time in six weeks. We had plans to visit my great aunt, but I agreed to let him know when we headed home so he could come visit.

The baby decided that those plans didn't necessarily work, though... At 1:00 am, Mama and I were up with a vomiting baby. Finally, we were able to get him to stop vomiting, cleaned up, and back in bed.

Unfortunately, though, it wasn't a peaceful return to bed. Baby didn't vomit anymore, but was restless and couldn't quite find comfort.

Then, this morning, after hours of no vomiting and crying for milk, I caved and gave Baby milk.

It actually stayed down for about an hour. Then, I tried to give a dose of ibuprofen for fever... Mistake! It was like feta cheese coming up! Sorry for the graphicness, but it was.

Baby vomited for about five minutes and then seemed fine again. I decided not to indulge the milk desire, though.

After a super fussy morning, Baby finally went to sleep. Around 2:00 I heard him whining, so I went to check in him. He had a dirty diaper and when I picked him up he was limp.

My first thought was that he was sleep kind of asleep, but it didn't take long for me to notice how hot he felt. So, I changed his diaper and took his temperature. The thermometer read 106.8.

"No way," was the only thought I had. So, I checked it again. This time it read 106.9. I immediately gave him a dose of Motrin and checked it again and again... It kept reading 106.8 or 106.9. I started gathering up baby and his bag to head to the ER.

I started buckling Baby in his car seat and called for the husband to bring my big girl to get in her car seat. So, we all loaded up and headed to the ER.

Getting there was a pretty quick trip, but then at check in, I was given a pager. It was that packed! And, do the waiting began.

Nine hours, two attempts at an IV, two bags of fluid, a urinalysis, chest x-rays, blood cultures, nose and throat swabs later, the doctor informed us that he had no information. That it appeared to be viral, but nothing was showing up definitively.

It was a scary, stressful afternoon and night, and thankfully it had a happy ending. We came home around midnight and after resting and lots of fluids, baby seems to be doing better.

He probably would feel even better if he would be willing to take his ibuprofen. But, he has spit it out every time I have tried giving it to him.

But, that's a good sign, I guess. A sign that his strong-willed personality is perking back up!

Hopefully, tonight will be restful and he will feel even better tomorrow. And, in praying that no one else gets it... Everyone had been vomited on except my big girl and the husband! But, maybe we'll all escape the wrath if whatever this was!

xoxo

If, Then

I've played this game so many times... If 'x' happens, then I will do 'y'. How about you?

I started this game with the husband (Yep, still legally married. Why can't the system move a little more quickly??) back before we married.

The night he said "I love you" was the night I found out that I wasn't the only one he was 'loving'.

But, I was smitten with him already. And, I'm the type of person that wants to see the good in people. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that they can be better and, I want to help.

So, on this evening, or actually, the day after when he was sober, I started the game. I told him that 'IF' I found out he was still talking to the other woman or any other woman, 'THEN' I would walk away.

Well, guess what... He kept talking to her. And, when I found out, I didn't walk away. But, I firmly told him, 'IF' it happens again or I suspect it, 'THEN' I will walk away. No questions asked.

So, what did he do? He ignored my warning and continued his relationship with her.

What did I do? What any head over heels in love twenty something would do. I forgave him. Again.

So, our cycle continued... The most significant 'If, Then' games happened when my first born was around six months old. Then, again when the baby was about three weeks old.

There were other times on our marriage that we played this games, but most of those were just reiterations of previous rounds of the game.

We have played this game until as recently as last week... We've been separated a little over a month now.

And, the last notable round was when I went to see the counselor and said to a friend, "IF he hasn't mention the other child, THEN I'm walking away."

Of course, when I got there, the counselor had no clue about the other baby. I mean, really, your kids are easy to forget to mention. Especially the one that your wife knows about, but didn't give birth to. You know, the one that is a HUGE factor in your divorce.

Anyway, I've played this game with the husband a million times. And, every time we play, I am the only one that compromises my values, my happiness, my needs.

I have finally realized that I am worth so much more than to compromise everything I want and need. I am so tired of living the way I have because I felt guilty for asking for money to take care of the kids and myself.

I am finally realizing that the patterns of his life aren't changing, therefore I must change mine to get different results.

I can not continue to be on the losing, compromising end of the 'If, Then' game. I am ready to stop playing that game and move forward.

A new life starts now!

xoxo

Sociopathy

I've spent the better part of the evening researching what exactly is a sociopath.  Overwhelmingly, I have found that most sociopaths are not serial killers.  But actually, they are our friends, family, and co-workers.  In fact, according to the research of Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, approximately 1 in 25 people is a sociopath.

Seriously, that is a startling and frightening statistic.  However, the more research I do on sociopaths, the more realistic this statistic seems. 

I firmly believe that my husband (our divorce isn't finalized, yet) is a sociopath.  He fits the profile to a tee.  I feel as if the authors of the research I have read were writing examples straight from my life. 

He is charming and charismatic.  He isn't afraid to look you in the eye and lie to you.  And, considering that he has led a double life for the entirety of our marriage, with no plans to stop, I honestly don't think he ever felt guilty.  You don't live like he lived if you experience true guilt.  Not for the better part of a decade, anyway. 

He has always had this 'joke' that he was a 'victim'.  What do I mean? He was accused of acting inappropriately with some women that he worked with.  He wound up losing his job over it... A high profile job  They called him in, fired him, took his cell phone, disabled his access to his work email, contacts lists, EVERYTHING.  Immediately.  He says there was nothing more than suspicions and unsupported claims of sexual harassment from these women that were also fired.  Firings like this do not go down this way in his type of work just based on suspicion.  To this day, he still blames these women for him losing his job.  He still doesn't take responsibility for this job loss.

He is sexually promiscuous.  I know of 6 women that he has confirmed sleeping with while married to me. One of which has a child, that may or may not be his.  From the digging I have done, though, I have very good reason to believe that these 6 women are just the tip of the iceberg. 

Lack of emotion... Let's see... I, his wife, left him, with our children.  And, I have yet to see a tear from him.  Who wouldn't cry when their children are being taken away from them?  I have heard from others that he has shed tears, but I haven't seen the first one. 

These are just the first four on the many 'check lists' I've found in regards to sociopaths.

And, you would think that this would make my position so much easier.  But, it doesn't.  Especially since we have children and still communicate through text... He knows and manipulates my weaknesses.  I know this. 

I haven't stopped talking to him because of the kids.  However, now that I am typing this out, I realize just how little concern he has had about the kids.  He's seen them 3 times in the last 5 weeks... Two of those times, I took the kids to meet him. And, he has only called to speak with them once, maybe twice... I've been the one to pick up the phone and call him for them to talk to.  And, not because they've asked about him, but because he asked me to.  They haven't asked for him.

What the hell am I doing? I have told him that he could see or talk to the kids whenever he wanted, yet he has hardly contacted them.

I. HAVE. GOT. TO. STOP.   

Wow.  Writing it all out, putting it in black and white, gives me a whole new perspective.  

To go back and read what I have just written is like a slap in the face.  I am being a complete idiot and allowing him to continue to manipulate me. 

I was told by one of my closest, most real and honest friends... Even if he doesn't have you back, yet, he is still getting what he wants when you talk to him.  You have got to stop talking to him.  She is so right. 

I am feeding and fueling the procrastination of this divorce.  And, while I have been viewing things through the eyes of trying to do what's best for my kids, he's been viewing things as just getting what he wants.  Because, if he were truly concerned about the kids, truly interested in seeing and talking to them, he would.  Period. 

xoxo

Thankful

I must say that I have so much to be thankful for. 

It would be so easy to get caught up in the nightmare that is my life, and I have.  And, I'm sure I will again.  But right now, I just want to be thankful.

I am so thankful for my precious family and the way they have take me and the kiddos in.  And, not just that, they have rallied around us and offered us any any every type of support we could ever need.


I am thankful for my precious kids.  My life revolves around them.  And, has since I found out I was going to be a Mommy.  They are truly gifts from God. 

Tonight, I am thankful for a fun night of karaoke!  I haven't had that much fun in who knows when! 

I am also thankful that I am about to sleep my nice, warm bed with a full belly. 

I am so thankful that in the midst of the craziness that is my life, I serve a God that is bigger than all of this.  Can handle all of this.  And, actually, already has handled all of this... I just can't see the way it turns out, yet!

And, there are so many more things that should be on this list!  I am so blessed and so thankful for it.

Hope that all of you have things that you are thankful for.  Even if it is just one thing, know that you are blessed!

xoxo

Spiritual Direction

I had an appointment with a Spiritual Direction Counselor today... At least I think that is what she is called.

It was a meeting that lasted all morning and I honestly felt like it was productive. My guard was up at first because she is someone that the husband has met with and asked me to meet with.

I really wasn't sure about a meeting with her because I didn't want to spend an hour being told that I need to forgive him and work things out. So, I was quite surprised and pleased when she didn't try to persuade me to do that. She really just listened to what I had to say, told me what she was hearing me say and asking me to reflect on things that came out of my mouth.

Like I said, it lasted all morning... Like three plus hours. And, I was very grateful that she had planned on so much time with me. Because, honestly, I needed it.

No matter what I decide as far as my marriage goes, divorce or not, I do think that she will be an asset in my life as I try to sort through everything.

Funny thing is, on my way to meeting her, I spoke with one of my best friends about the appointment.  And, I told her, "If he hasn't told her about the possibility of him having another child (with his girlfriend), I am going to thank her for her time and leave.  Then I'm calling him and demanding that he sign the divorce papers immediately."

He hadn't mentioned this baby to her.  I was floored.  How do you forget to mention something of this magnitude? I get that he has only had two appointments with her, but seriously... He knew that this is a H.U.G.E. deal to me and that I would mention it.

I wound up not leaving and not calling him with my demands.  Why? I don't know.  I think I'm still in shock.  I mean, really, how do you 'lay it all out there' and not mention a kid? A real-live, eating, breathing, cooing, crying kid... One that he has spent time with... One that he has sent financial assistance to.  On a regular basis.  How does that not come up?

It's probably a good thing he left me flowers and a card there for my appointment.  That, in and of itself, was quite a shock.  So, I was a little off kilter from that. Being thrown off may very well be the thing that kept me from losing it.  I don't know.  The more I think about it, the more of a red flag it seems to be.

And, it didn't help that I sat down and talked with my Daddy tonight about the conversation he had with the husband a week or so ago.  Daddy told me that the husband still blames the women at one of his jobs for the fact that he lost that job... The women that he got caught acting inappropriate with.

I have to admit, that as I reflect on my day and I go back and try to proof-read what I have just written, it seems more and more insane to even consider that the husband could one day become the type of man that I want and need in my life.

I tend to try to find the good in people, and am trusting to a fault.  But, a friend told me recently, "When someone shows you who they are, you've got to believe them."

I've really got to start believing them.

xoxo

Wading Through Stormy Waters

I've been searching for weeks now for peace.  For comfort.  For sense in the senseless.  Unfortunately, I'm farther, today, from finding those things than I was a week ago.  

'They' say that things will get worse before they get better.  I'm guessing that I'm just now approaching the edge of 'worse'.  One thing is for sure, though, I will refrain from saying that things 'can't get much worse'.  I've proven myself wrong several times as far as that goes.

How did I get here today?  That's what I'm trying to figure out.  Where did it all go wrong?  I'm not sure.  I just know that somewhere along the way, things became a nightmare that I could have never imagined... That I'm still trying to fathom, even while living it.

How I got here started less than 10 years ago.  With a young, vibrant woman who wanted it all... the fairytale that I grew up dreaming about.  And, honestly, I had it all, except Prince Charming...  But, I stumbled upon a prince charming... fraud, that is. 

It took the better part of a decade, but eventually, his charms began to fade.  And, now I'm here wading through stormy waters.  Hoping that the current doesn't carry me away from the dreams I still have.  The dreams I still want.

This is my journey.

xoxo