Happiness

I struggled with this over the past couple of days... What is happiness?  Does it exist?  Or, is it simply what we make it? Am I just not meant to be happy?

Happiness is defined as contentment or pleasure.  So, in a way, it is simply what we make it.  Running makes me happy.  It's my thing.  However, I have friends who would rather endure water boarding than even think about running.  So, running doesn't make them happy, but maybe fishing does.  I'm not a huge fan of fishing, but I can tolerate it.  You catch my drift... So, happiness does exist.  In some shape, form or fashion, it can be a state that people exist in. 

But, how do you get there?  Can everyone be happy?  Is everyone meant to be happy? 

I think that happiness is part choice and perspective.  I have told myself I was happy for many years, all the while I was living in a relationship that was draining everything good out of me.  I made choices that I would be happy in those circumstances.  I always sought out worse circumstances that I could be thankful I wasn't enduring... So, in comparison, I was happy.

But, that form of happiness doesn't last long.  It can't.  Because, while there are many in worse circumstances than our own, there are also those in MUCH better circumstances.  It's hard to convince yourself that you're happy when everyone around you is living in circumstances that are better than your own.  Especially, when the better that they are experiencing doesn't come from tangible things. 

For me, I was making the best of a husband that lied, cheated, used, abused (not physically), and drained me and our relationship of everything good.  He took and took and took without ever giving anything back.  He never respected me.  He never truly loved me...  Although I do believe that he loved me as much as he was capable of loving.  He never honored me or cherished me.  I could go on and on. 

I continued to surround myself with people who were living in marriages that had all of these things.  And, as hard as I tried, the happiness that I was trying to create in my own situation was being sucked out of faster than I could create it. 

It's exhausting to give continuously to someone who takes all of the time.  Who not only takes, but demands more.  And, when I couldn't give anymore, I was told that if I would give more, then I would receive more... Except that never happened.  And, when I continuously never received, I would back away from giving and try to take care of myself... Only to be told that I was the kind of person that would never be happy... It didn't matter what or how much was given to me, I would never be satisfied.

After hearing that for years, you start to believe it.  Or, at least, I did.  And, that would just perpetuate the situation.  I would feel as if I were being selfish, so I needed to give more of myself.  It's a cycle that is just so hard to break.  It is a steady force in life that just waits for people to have the little seeds of discontentment planted.  Then, it grows like a vine.  Wrapping around, twisting, tangling, choking the life out of you. 

The guilt can be so overwhelming that it's hard to move past it.  To see things as they are.  To learn to take responsibility for what you are supposed to and creating boundaries to prevent taking on responsibilities for everyone else. 

It's a process, learning these things.  It's one step forward, two steps back a lot of times.  Or, sometimes, when things are going your way, it's three steps forward with only one back. 

And, through this dance of learning, which is life, just as the boundaries start to form, there becomes visible this little glimmer on the horizon.  And, that glimmer is happiness.  A happiness that comes from setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, so that you can take care of others.  It comes from realizing that loving someone is the hardest thing you will ever endure because you have to love them from afar.  It is the self-respect, the love, the honor that you give yourself. 

And, when you learn to give those things to yourself, the happiness that you experience becomes joy.  And, that doesn't go away, even in the midst of chaos, because it is something that you've learned to be self-sufficient in.

J - O - Y

Somehow in the midst of it all, I am discovering joy... Not happiness, but joy.

There is a difference between the two that I'm not sure if I have the words to explain. But, when you are joyful, you'll know it.

We have a court date this week. It is for temporary custody, child support, etc... I know that with this comes nights away from my children. I will have to start letting their father take them. Probably overnight.

And, while I am not excited about this, I am at peace. I know that God will take care of my babies. And, I know that His plan for their lives is perfect... No matter if it's all if the same plans I have for them or not.

I am trusting God with all that will happen and all that is happening, and even all that has already happened. With that trust, I have found peace. And, finding that peace has allowed me to rediscover joy.

I didn't know how empty of peace and joy I have been until I started rediscovering it. And, I'm just getting started!

I know that there are rough days ahead. But, I know that these dark times will soon pass and I'll be back on the mountain top again.

I will praise Him in the valleys and on the mountain tops!


xoxo

My Way or No Way

"If you had met me for lunch after meeting the counselor, I would have given you money."

This is what the husband told me tonight when I asked for money to pay for the kids school, extra-curricular activities, and MEDICINE!

I don't know that there is a word that describes the level of anger I felt at that moment. How can someone that claims to love their kids and desires to do what is in their best interest not be willing to financially support their children?!??

The husband said to me that he is just doing what his attorney advises him to do. Yet, he was willing to go against the attorney if I had gone to lunch with him. But, he's not willing to go against his attorney's advice to do what's right and take care of his kids.

Yet, I'm the one who is not looking out for their best interest because I don't allow him to see the kids on his terms. Meaning, I won't let him leave with the kids (because we do not have any type of legal agreement stating that he must bring them home to me).

But, I have several text messages that I sent to him saying he can see the kids whenever he would like, as often as he would like. However, he hasn't put forth the effort to see them.

His excuse? I won't let him see them like he wants to.

Dude, you used and sold cocaine! You slept with at least 5 women in as many years as we were married... One of which had your baby!

No, I DO NOT trust you to care for our kids! You've never cared for them on your own before. Actually, you've never spent much more than a half hour at a time with them!

So, if he wants to continue on this path of "my way or no way" that's his problem. NOT MINE!

I refuse to continue to let him bully me into doing/saying/feeling things differently than what I want. I am over it!

xoxo