If, Then

I've played this game so many times... If 'x' happens, then I will do 'y'. How about you?

I started this game with the husband (Yep, still legally married. Why can't the system move a little more quickly??) back before we married.

The night he said "I love you" was the night I found out that I wasn't the only one he was 'loving'.

But, I was smitten with him already. And, I'm the type of person that wants to see the good in people. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that they can be better and, I want to help.

So, on this evening, or actually, the day after when he was sober, I started the game. I told him that 'IF' I found out he was still talking to the other woman or any other woman, 'THEN' I would walk away.

Well, guess what... He kept talking to her. And, when I found out, I didn't walk away. But, I firmly told him, 'IF' it happens again or I suspect it, 'THEN' I will walk away. No questions asked.

So, what did he do? He ignored my warning and continued his relationship with her.

What did I do? What any head over heels in love twenty something would do. I forgave him. Again.

So, our cycle continued... The most significant 'If, Then' games happened when my first born was around six months old. Then, again when the baby was about three weeks old.

There were other times on our marriage that we played this games, but most of those were just reiterations of previous rounds of the game.

We have played this game until as recently as last week... We've been separated a little over a month now.

And, the last notable round was when I went to see the counselor and said to a friend, "IF he hasn't mention the other child, THEN I'm walking away."

Of course, when I got there, the counselor had no clue about the other baby. I mean, really, your kids are easy to forget to mention. Especially the one that your wife knows about, but didn't give birth to. You know, the one that is a HUGE factor in your divorce.

Anyway, I've played this game with the husband a million times. And, every time we play, I am the only one that compromises my values, my happiness, my needs.

I have finally realized that I am worth so much more than to compromise everything I want and need. I am so tired of living the way I have because I felt guilty for asking for money to take care of the kids and myself.

I am finally realizing that the patterns of his life aren't changing, therefore I must change mine to get different results.

I can not continue to be on the losing, compromising end of the 'If, Then' game. I am ready to stop playing that game and move forward.

A new life starts now!

xoxo