Spiritual Direction

I had an appointment with a Spiritual Direction Counselor today... At least I think that is what she is called.

It was a meeting that lasted all morning and I honestly felt like it was productive. My guard was up at first because she is someone that the husband has met with and asked me to meet with.

I really wasn't sure about a meeting with her because I didn't want to spend an hour being told that I need to forgive him and work things out. So, I was quite surprised and pleased when she didn't try to persuade me to do that. She really just listened to what I had to say, told me what she was hearing me say and asking me to reflect on things that came out of my mouth.

Like I said, it lasted all morning... Like three plus hours. And, I was very grateful that she had planned on so much time with me. Because, honestly, I needed it.

No matter what I decide as far as my marriage goes, divorce or not, I do think that she will be an asset in my life as I try to sort through everything.

Funny thing is, on my way to meeting her, I spoke with one of my best friends about the appointment.  And, I told her, "If he hasn't told her about the possibility of him having another child (with his girlfriend), I am going to thank her for her time and leave.  Then I'm calling him and demanding that he sign the divorce papers immediately."

He hadn't mentioned this baby to her.  I was floored.  How do you forget to mention something of this magnitude? I get that he has only had two appointments with her, but seriously... He knew that this is a H.U.G.E. deal to me and that I would mention it.

I wound up not leaving and not calling him with my demands.  Why? I don't know.  I think I'm still in shock.  I mean, really, how do you 'lay it all out there' and not mention a kid? A real-live, eating, breathing, cooing, crying kid... One that he has spent time with... One that he has sent financial assistance to.  On a regular basis.  How does that not come up?

It's probably a good thing he left me flowers and a card there for my appointment.  That, in and of itself, was quite a shock.  So, I was a little off kilter from that. Being thrown off may very well be the thing that kept me from losing it.  I don't know.  The more I think about it, the more of a red flag it seems to be.

And, it didn't help that I sat down and talked with my Daddy tonight about the conversation he had with the husband a week or so ago.  Daddy told me that the husband still blames the women at one of his jobs for the fact that he lost that job... The women that he got caught acting inappropriate with.

I have to admit, that as I reflect on my day and I go back and try to proof-read what I have just written, it seems more and more insane to even consider that the husband could one day become the type of man that I want and need in my life.

I tend to try to find the good in people, and am trusting to a fault.  But, a friend told me recently, "When someone shows you who they are, you've got to believe them."

I've really got to start believing them.

xoxo