Sociopathy

I've spent the better part of the evening researching what exactly is a sociopath.  Overwhelmingly, I have found that most sociopaths are not serial killers.  But actually, they are our friends, family, and co-workers.  In fact, according to the research of Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door, approximately 1 in 25 people is a sociopath.

Seriously, that is a startling and frightening statistic.  However, the more research I do on sociopaths, the more realistic this statistic seems. 

I firmly believe that my husband (our divorce isn't finalized, yet) is a sociopath.  He fits the profile to a tee.  I feel as if the authors of the research I have read were writing examples straight from my life. 

He is charming and charismatic.  He isn't afraid to look you in the eye and lie to you.  And, considering that he has led a double life for the entirety of our marriage, with no plans to stop, I honestly don't think he ever felt guilty.  You don't live like he lived if you experience true guilt.  Not for the better part of a decade, anyway. 

He has always had this 'joke' that he was a 'victim'.  What do I mean? He was accused of acting inappropriately with some women that he worked with.  He wound up losing his job over it... A high profile job  They called him in, fired him, took his cell phone, disabled his access to his work email, contacts lists, EVERYTHING.  Immediately.  He says there was nothing more than suspicions and unsupported claims of sexual harassment from these women that were also fired.  Firings like this do not go down this way in his type of work just based on suspicion.  To this day, he still blames these women for him losing his job.  He still doesn't take responsibility for this job loss.

He is sexually promiscuous.  I know of 6 women that he has confirmed sleeping with while married to me. One of which has a child, that may or may not be his.  From the digging I have done, though, I have very good reason to believe that these 6 women are just the tip of the iceberg. 

Lack of emotion... Let's see... I, his wife, left him, with our children.  And, I have yet to see a tear from him.  Who wouldn't cry when their children are being taken away from them?  I have heard from others that he has shed tears, but I haven't seen the first one. 

These are just the first four on the many 'check lists' I've found in regards to sociopaths.

And, you would think that this would make my position so much easier.  But, it doesn't.  Especially since we have children and still communicate through text... He knows and manipulates my weaknesses.  I know this. 

I haven't stopped talking to him because of the kids.  However, now that I am typing this out, I realize just how little concern he has had about the kids.  He's seen them 3 times in the last 5 weeks... Two of those times, I took the kids to meet him. And, he has only called to speak with them once, maybe twice... I've been the one to pick up the phone and call him for them to talk to.  And, not because they've asked about him, but because he asked me to.  They haven't asked for him.

What the hell am I doing? I have told him that he could see or talk to the kids whenever he wanted, yet he has hardly contacted them.

I. HAVE. GOT. TO. STOP.   

Wow.  Writing it all out, putting it in black and white, gives me a whole new perspective.  

To go back and read what I have just written is like a slap in the face.  I am being a complete idiot and allowing him to continue to manipulate me. 

I was told by one of my closest, most real and honest friends... Even if he doesn't have you back, yet, he is still getting what he wants when you talk to him.  You have got to stop talking to him.  She is so right. 

I am feeding and fueling the procrastination of this divorce.  And, while I have been viewing things through the eyes of trying to do what's best for my kids, he's been viewing things as just getting what he wants.  Because, if he were truly concerned about the kids, truly interested in seeing and talking to them, he would.  Period. 

xoxo