Counseling

Counseling.

I went today, with the husband, to see a new counselor. He was a neutral third party that neither of us had met with before, and neither of us knew.

I really liked him and felt that he was able to hear and relate to my feelings and to the husband's. Not entirely sure how the husband felt about him. I think he probably heard some things today that he didn't want to hear. However, they were things that he needed to hear.

Our counselor kept saying to him, 'This isn't about you. This is about her.' And, 'You need to realize how thankful you should be that she is even willing to sit in a room with you.'

I felt like he, the counselor, 'got' me and what I am experiencing. And, I felt like he helped me have a voice that was heard.

I do feel, though, that the husband probably missed a lot because he seemed to get defensive. Did he miss too much? Only time will tell.

I feel like I have found some peace, though, in saying the things that I said today. I don't know if I said all that I wanted to. At this point, I'm not having moments of 'I wish I had said...', so maybe that is a good sign.

I don't know that I will ever go back, either. It is something that I will pray about. But, where I stand right now is... I don't feel the need to go back. I feel like I am at peace with all that has transpired. I don't feel like there are words left unspoken. And, I do feel that I said what I needed to say in a honest and loving way. I don't think I spoke in bitterness, and definitely not haste, because I have thought and prayed about what I would say for a long time.

I told the counselor and the husband today that at this point I won't ask my attorney to put this divorce on hold. I have not seen the transparency and changes in the husband that makes me feel like putting it on hold is the right thing to do.

I'm not shutting the door on anything at this point. And, I'm praying for God's will... Whatever that may be. So, we'll see. We'll see if the things the counselor said registers. We'll see if there is a difference in attitude. And, we'll see what happens tomorrow, and the next day, and each and every day that follows. Because that's all I can do.

xoxo

A Low Week

I can't say that this week has very good. I've been down a good bit. Mainly, still kicking myself for allowing the husband to go to counseling with me. I knew better. It's the same old song and dance... Tell me what I need/want to hear to get what he wants. It's like I told my mom. This is all about winning to him. Doesn't matter the cost, as long as he comes out victorious.

The kids have to go with him this weekend. They will have to miss one of their friends' birthday parties because he doesn't want to go around 'my people' as he refers to the little girls' parents. He gave my counselor an excuse for not wanting them to go... Saying he was concerned about their safety around these people. However, if I were willing to work things out with him, I feel certain that he wouldn't have a problem with us taking the kids to the party.

He also said that some of the people that MAY be there are people that he claims he did drugs with and that would be a trigger for him. Yet, drugs, he said, aren't his real problem. It's the alcohol. But, he can be around people and places that he used to get falling down drunk. And that's not a trigger. He feels its okay and safe to take our kids around them because they are his family.

I don't have a problem with the kids seeing his family. My problem is the way he is using things to benefit his agenda. I know that he is trying to get to me anyway that he can. I know that he is hoping that I will give in and not go through with this divorce. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I keep telling myself that The Lord is taking care of and will continue to take care of my kids. And, that he will have to answer for the decisions he makes, as well as, the motives for decisions. But, that doesn't make it any easier.

I have struggled with my faith this week. Not necessarily doubting, but asking why. And, I know that it's times like these that I need to hand it all over to God and put my trust in him alone. I can do it for a little while and then I let the worry and fear creep back in.

I know that worrying is a sin, so I'm trying to combat that with reading my Bible, singing praise songs and praying all throughout the day. That helps. Usually, I can feel the anxiety dissipate.

I go back to counseling today. I am ready, too. I actually would have gone to another session last Friday if I could have. Hopefully, I will be able to work through all that I've been feeling this week and get back to a more peaceful existence.

xoxo

Angry

Met with my counselor today and left feeling worse than before I went.

I allowed the husband to meet me there to discuss parenting issues. He had said that there were several things I was doing that he wanted to discuss... Can't say that we discussed any, really.

He spent most of the time talking about HIS disease, HIS addictions, HIS desires to put our family back together, HIS total transformation in the past two and a half months.

He also kept asking the counselor if it was his professional opinion that it was in our kids best interest for us to get back together. He didn't spend a whole lot of time listening, and, in my personal opinion, even less time actually hearing what was being said.

My anger is at myself, though, because I feel like I allowed myself to get sucked back in by allowing him to come. He didn't talk much about parenting issues, because that wasn't his reason for showing up... Even though I told him that is why he was being allowed to come.

He wanted to put on his 'show' about how great he is and how he is a wonderful man who fell on hard times and, then, sprinkle a little bit of the idea of how selfish I'm being to the kids by not trying everything to work this out.

He performs. Plain and simple. That's who he always has been. An actor. He can put on a convincing show; I know first hand just how convincing he can be. But, that is the problem. It's all a show. It is all an act. And, I, personally, am tired of being part of it. I am sick of being expected to play a part.

I. JUST. WANT. TO. BE. ME.

Good, bad, or somewhere in between, I just want to be me. I want to say what I want, feel what I want, act how I want. And it just be accepted. I don't even have to be liked! Just don't try to force me to be something different.

My counselor said that he would work with us on communicating. I get that we need that, even and especially, if we go separate ways. It's in the best interest of the kids for us to be able to communicate.

But, every encounter with him, the husband, makes me physically ill... Sick to my stomach, back and/or neck hurts, and I typically get a headache. And, I leave feeling emotionally and physically drained... Even if we don't exchange more than 5 words.

Also, I walk away feeling that there is no happy option for me... That I will 'lose' no matter what it is I decide to do.

I seriously don't know that I have walked away from an encounter with him, the husband, where I actually felt better than before the encounter... In years, if ever. I always leave an encounter with him feeling belittled, unworthy, unimportant, scammed, unappreciated. I often feel that I am viewed as ungrateful, overly demanding, unsatisfied where I shouldn't be, etc. Yet, I never 'get' anything that I've supposedly demanded or been ungrateful for or am unsatisfied with.

I always feel like I've been 'had' or as the husband has said, so proudly, on many occasions that he has slipped me the 'ol' bait and switch'.

Also, I don't feel like I'm in a fair position in regards to how he treats me. I feel like I am constantly being 'baited' so that I will react and be can use it as evidence of how I don't deserve custody of our kids.

Everything in his life, for as long as I've known him, has been about winning. And, not just a 'I want to win' attitude, but an 'I will win at any cost to any one' attitude. I fear that this is the same thing... And, that if I don't learn to play really well, and really quickly, that I will truly lose.

It isn't in my nature to 'win' at all costs... It matters to me if others are hurt by my gains... Especially if I've gained by manipulation, lies, half-truths, greed, etc.

Unfortunately, though, it doesn't seem that goodness wins out much in this world. I know that goodness ultimately wins, because God is goodness and Jesus has already won the war on the cross. It's just so hard to keep sight of that sometimes.

xoxo