Counseling

Counseling.

I went today, with the husband, to see a new counselor. He was a neutral third party that neither of us had met with before, and neither of us knew.

I really liked him and felt that he was able to hear and relate to my feelings and to the husband's. Not entirely sure how the husband felt about him. I think he probably heard some things today that he didn't want to hear. However, they were things that he needed to hear.

Our counselor kept saying to him, 'This isn't about you. This is about her.' And, 'You need to realize how thankful you should be that she is even willing to sit in a room with you.'

I felt like he, the counselor, 'got' me and what I am experiencing. And, I felt like he helped me have a voice that was heard.

I do feel, though, that the husband probably missed a lot because he seemed to get defensive. Did he miss too much? Only time will tell.

I feel like I have found some peace, though, in saying the things that I said today. I don't know if I said all that I wanted to. At this point, I'm not having moments of 'I wish I had said...', so maybe that is a good sign.

I don't know that I will ever go back, either. It is something that I will pray about. But, where I stand right now is... I don't feel the need to go back. I feel like I am at peace with all that has transpired. I don't feel like there are words left unspoken. And, I do feel that I said what I needed to say in a honest and loving way. I don't think I spoke in bitterness, and definitely not haste, because I have thought and prayed about what I would say for a long time.

I told the counselor and the husband today that at this point I won't ask my attorney to put this divorce on hold. I have not seen the transparency and changes in the husband that makes me feel like putting it on hold is the right thing to do.

I'm not shutting the door on anything at this point. And, I'm praying for God's will... Whatever that may be. So, we'll see. We'll see if the things the counselor said registers. We'll see if there is a difference in attitude. And, we'll see what happens tomorrow, and the next day, and each and every day that follows. Because that's all I can do.

xoxo

A Low Week

I can't say that this week has very good. I've been down a good bit. Mainly, still kicking myself for allowing the husband to go to counseling with me. I knew better. It's the same old song and dance... Tell me what I need/want to hear to get what he wants. It's like I told my mom. This is all about winning to him. Doesn't matter the cost, as long as he comes out victorious.

The kids have to go with him this weekend. They will have to miss one of their friends' birthday parties because he doesn't want to go around 'my people' as he refers to the little girls' parents. He gave my counselor an excuse for not wanting them to go... Saying he was concerned about their safety around these people. However, if I were willing to work things out with him, I feel certain that he wouldn't have a problem with us taking the kids to the party.

He also said that some of the people that MAY be there are people that he claims he did drugs with and that would be a trigger for him. Yet, drugs, he said, aren't his real problem. It's the alcohol. But, he can be around people and places that he used to get falling down drunk. And that's not a trigger. He feels its okay and safe to take our kids around them because they are his family.

I don't have a problem with the kids seeing his family. My problem is the way he is using things to benefit his agenda. I know that he is trying to get to me anyway that he can. I know that he is hoping that I will give in and not go through with this divorce. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I keep telling myself that The Lord is taking care of and will continue to take care of my kids. And, that he will have to answer for the decisions he makes, as well as, the motives for decisions. But, that doesn't make it any easier.

I have struggled with my faith this week. Not necessarily doubting, but asking why. And, I know that it's times like these that I need to hand it all over to God and put my trust in him alone. I can do it for a little while and then I let the worry and fear creep back in.

I know that worrying is a sin, so I'm trying to combat that with reading my Bible, singing praise songs and praying all throughout the day. That helps. Usually, I can feel the anxiety dissipate.

I go back to counseling today. I am ready, too. I actually would have gone to another session last Friday if I could have. Hopefully, I will be able to work through all that I've been feeling this week and get back to a more peaceful existence.

xoxo

Angry

Met with my counselor today and left feeling worse than before I went.

I allowed the husband to meet me there to discuss parenting issues. He had said that there were several things I was doing that he wanted to discuss... Can't say that we discussed any, really.

He spent most of the time talking about HIS disease, HIS addictions, HIS desires to put our family back together, HIS total transformation in the past two and a half months.

He also kept asking the counselor if it was his professional opinion that it was in our kids best interest for us to get back together. He didn't spend a whole lot of time listening, and, in my personal opinion, even less time actually hearing what was being said.

My anger is at myself, though, because I feel like I allowed myself to get sucked back in by allowing him to come. He didn't talk much about parenting issues, because that wasn't his reason for showing up... Even though I told him that is why he was being allowed to come.

He wanted to put on his 'show' about how great he is and how he is a wonderful man who fell on hard times and, then, sprinkle a little bit of the idea of how selfish I'm being to the kids by not trying everything to work this out.

He performs. Plain and simple. That's who he always has been. An actor. He can put on a convincing show; I know first hand just how convincing he can be. But, that is the problem. It's all a show. It is all an act. And, I, personally, am tired of being part of it. I am sick of being expected to play a part.

I. JUST. WANT. TO. BE. ME.

Good, bad, or somewhere in between, I just want to be me. I want to say what I want, feel what I want, act how I want. And it just be accepted. I don't even have to be liked! Just don't try to force me to be something different.

My counselor said that he would work with us on communicating. I get that we need that, even and especially, if we go separate ways. It's in the best interest of the kids for us to be able to communicate.

But, every encounter with him, the husband, makes me physically ill... Sick to my stomach, back and/or neck hurts, and I typically get a headache. And, I leave feeling emotionally and physically drained... Even if we don't exchange more than 5 words.

Also, I walk away feeling that there is no happy option for me... That I will 'lose' no matter what it is I decide to do.

I seriously don't know that I have walked away from an encounter with him, the husband, where I actually felt better than before the encounter... In years, if ever. I always leave an encounter with him feeling belittled, unworthy, unimportant, scammed, unappreciated. I often feel that I am viewed as ungrateful, overly demanding, unsatisfied where I shouldn't be, etc. Yet, I never 'get' anything that I've supposedly demanded or been ungrateful for or am unsatisfied with.

I always feel like I've been 'had' or as the husband has said, so proudly, on many occasions that he has slipped me the 'ol' bait and switch'.

Also, I don't feel like I'm in a fair position in regards to how he treats me. I feel like I am constantly being 'baited' so that I will react and be can use it as evidence of how I don't deserve custody of our kids.

Everything in his life, for as long as I've known him, has been about winning. And, not just a 'I want to win' attitude, but an 'I will win at any cost to any one' attitude. I fear that this is the same thing... And, that if I don't learn to play really well, and really quickly, that I will truly lose.

It isn't in my nature to 'win' at all costs... It matters to me if others are hurt by my gains... Especially if I've gained by manipulation, lies, half-truths, greed, etc.

Unfortunately, though, it doesn't seem that goodness wins out much in this world. I know that goodness ultimately wins, because God is goodness and Jesus has already won the war on the cross. It's just so hard to keep sight of that sometimes.

xoxo

Happiness

I struggled with this over the past couple of days... What is happiness?  Does it exist?  Or, is it simply what we make it? Am I just not meant to be happy?

Happiness is defined as contentment or pleasure.  So, in a way, it is simply what we make it.  Running makes me happy.  It's my thing.  However, I have friends who would rather endure water boarding than even think about running.  So, running doesn't make them happy, but maybe fishing does.  I'm not a huge fan of fishing, but I can tolerate it.  You catch my drift... So, happiness does exist.  In some shape, form or fashion, it can be a state that people exist in. 

But, how do you get there?  Can everyone be happy?  Is everyone meant to be happy? 

I think that happiness is part choice and perspective.  I have told myself I was happy for many years, all the while I was living in a relationship that was draining everything good out of me.  I made choices that I would be happy in those circumstances.  I always sought out worse circumstances that I could be thankful I wasn't enduring... So, in comparison, I was happy.

But, that form of happiness doesn't last long.  It can't.  Because, while there are many in worse circumstances than our own, there are also those in MUCH better circumstances.  It's hard to convince yourself that you're happy when everyone around you is living in circumstances that are better than your own.  Especially, when the better that they are experiencing doesn't come from tangible things. 

For me, I was making the best of a husband that lied, cheated, used, abused (not physically), and drained me and our relationship of everything good.  He took and took and took without ever giving anything back.  He never respected me.  He never truly loved me...  Although I do believe that he loved me as much as he was capable of loving.  He never honored me or cherished me.  I could go on and on. 

I continued to surround myself with people who were living in marriages that had all of these things.  And, as hard as I tried, the happiness that I was trying to create in my own situation was being sucked out of faster than I could create it. 

It's exhausting to give continuously to someone who takes all of the time.  Who not only takes, but demands more.  And, when I couldn't give anymore, I was told that if I would give more, then I would receive more... Except that never happened.  And, when I continuously never received, I would back away from giving and try to take care of myself... Only to be told that I was the kind of person that would never be happy... It didn't matter what or how much was given to me, I would never be satisfied.

After hearing that for years, you start to believe it.  Or, at least, I did.  And, that would just perpetuate the situation.  I would feel as if I were being selfish, so I needed to give more of myself.  It's a cycle that is just so hard to break.  It is a steady force in life that just waits for people to have the little seeds of discontentment planted.  Then, it grows like a vine.  Wrapping around, twisting, tangling, choking the life out of you. 

The guilt can be so overwhelming that it's hard to move past it.  To see things as they are.  To learn to take responsibility for what you are supposed to and creating boundaries to prevent taking on responsibilities for everyone else. 

It's a process, learning these things.  It's one step forward, two steps back a lot of times.  Or, sometimes, when things are going your way, it's three steps forward with only one back. 

And, through this dance of learning, which is life, just as the boundaries start to form, there becomes visible this little glimmer on the horizon.  And, that glimmer is happiness.  A happiness that comes from setting boundaries, taking care of yourself, so that you can take care of others.  It comes from realizing that loving someone is the hardest thing you will ever endure because you have to love them from afar.  It is the self-respect, the love, the honor that you give yourself. 

And, when you learn to give those things to yourself, the happiness that you experience becomes joy.  And, that doesn't go away, even in the midst of chaos, because it is something that you've learned to be self-sufficient in.

J - O - Y

Somehow in the midst of it all, I am discovering joy... Not happiness, but joy.

There is a difference between the two that I'm not sure if I have the words to explain. But, when you are joyful, you'll know it.

We have a court date this week. It is for temporary custody, child support, etc... I know that with this comes nights away from my children. I will have to start letting their father take them. Probably overnight.

And, while I am not excited about this, I am at peace. I know that God will take care of my babies. And, I know that His plan for their lives is perfect... No matter if it's all if the same plans I have for them or not.

I am trusting God with all that will happen and all that is happening, and even all that has already happened. With that trust, I have found peace. And, finding that peace has allowed me to rediscover joy.

I didn't know how empty of peace and joy I have been until I started rediscovering it. And, I'm just getting started!

I know that there are rough days ahead. But, I know that these dark times will soon pass and I'll be back on the mountain top again.

I will praise Him in the valleys and on the mountain tops!


xoxo

My Way or No Way

"If you had met me for lunch after meeting the counselor, I would have given you money."

This is what the husband told me tonight when I asked for money to pay for the kids school, extra-curricular activities, and MEDICINE!

I don't know that there is a word that describes the level of anger I felt at that moment. How can someone that claims to love their kids and desires to do what is in their best interest not be willing to financially support their children?!??

The husband said to me that he is just doing what his attorney advises him to do. Yet, he was willing to go against the attorney if I had gone to lunch with him. But, he's not willing to go against his attorney's advice to do what's right and take care of his kids.

Yet, I'm the one who is not looking out for their best interest because I don't allow him to see the kids on his terms. Meaning, I won't let him leave with the kids (because we do not have any type of legal agreement stating that he must bring them home to me).

But, I have several text messages that I sent to him saying he can see the kids whenever he would like, as often as he would like. However, he hasn't put forth the effort to see them.

His excuse? I won't let him see them like he wants to.

Dude, you used and sold cocaine! You slept with at least 5 women in as many years as we were married... One of which had your baby!

No, I DO NOT trust you to care for our kids! You've never cared for them on your own before. Actually, you've never spent much more than a half hour at a time with them!

So, if he wants to continue on this path of "my way or no way" that's his problem. NOT MINE!

I refuse to continue to let him bully me into doing/saying/feeling things differently than what I want. I am over it!

xoxo

A Very Bad, No Good Day

Night before last night I told the husband that there was no repairing our marriage. After much prayer and reflection, I have realized that there can no longer be an 'us'.

He decided, then, that he wanted to see the kids yesterday... For the fourth time in six weeks. We had plans to visit my great aunt, but I agreed to let him know when we headed home so he could come visit.

The baby decided that those plans didn't necessarily work, though... At 1:00 am, Mama and I were up with a vomiting baby. Finally, we were able to get him to stop vomiting, cleaned up, and back in bed.

Unfortunately, though, it wasn't a peaceful return to bed. Baby didn't vomit anymore, but was restless and couldn't quite find comfort.

Then, this morning, after hours of no vomiting and crying for milk, I caved and gave Baby milk.

It actually stayed down for about an hour. Then, I tried to give a dose of ibuprofen for fever... Mistake! It was like feta cheese coming up! Sorry for the graphicness, but it was.

Baby vomited for about five minutes and then seemed fine again. I decided not to indulge the milk desire, though.

After a super fussy morning, Baby finally went to sleep. Around 2:00 I heard him whining, so I went to check in him. He had a dirty diaper and when I picked him up he was limp.

My first thought was that he was sleep kind of asleep, but it didn't take long for me to notice how hot he felt. So, I changed his diaper and took his temperature. The thermometer read 106.8.

"No way," was the only thought I had. So, I checked it again. This time it read 106.9. I immediately gave him a dose of Motrin and checked it again and again... It kept reading 106.8 or 106.9. I started gathering up baby and his bag to head to the ER.

I started buckling Baby in his car seat and called for the husband to bring my big girl to get in her car seat. So, we all loaded up and headed to the ER.

Getting there was a pretty quick trip, but then at check in, I was given a pager. It was that packed! And, do the waiting began.

Nine hours, two attempts at an IV, two bags of fluid, a urinalysis, chest x-rays, blood cultures, nose and throat swabs later, the doctor informed us that he had no information. That it appeared to be viral, but nothing was showing up definitively.

It was a scary, stressful afternoon and night, and thankfully it had a happy ending. We came home around midnight and after resting and lots of fluids, baby seems to be doing better.

He probably would feel even better if he would be willing to take his ibuprofen. But, he has spit it out every time I have tried giving it to him.

But, that's a good sign, I guess. A sign that his strong-willed personality is perking back up!

Hopefully, tonight will be restful and he will feel even better tomorrow. And, in praying that no one else gets it... Everyone had been vomited on except my big girl and the husband! But, maybe we'll all escape the wrath if whatever this was!

xoxo