Angry

Met with my counselor today and left feeling worse than before I went.

I allowed the husband to meet me there to discuss parenting issues. He had said that there were several things I was doing that he wanted to discuss... Can't say that we discussed any, really.

He spent most of the time talking about HIS disease, HIS addictions, HIS desires to put our family back together, HIS total transformation in the past two and a half months.

He also kept asking the counselor if it was his professional opinion that it was in our kids best interest for us to get back together. He didn't spend a whole lot of time listening, and, in my personal opinion, even less time actually hearing what was being said.

My anger is at myself, though, because I feel like I allowed myself to get sucked back in by allowing him to come. He didn't talk much about parenting issues, because that wasn't his reason for showing up... Even though I told him that is why he was being allowed to come.

He wanted to put on his 'show' about how great he is and how he is a wonderful man who fell on hard times and, then, sprinkle a little bit of the idea of how selfish I'm being to the kids by not trying everything to work this out.

He performs. Plain and simple. That's who he always has been. An actor. He can put on a convincing show; I know first hand just how convincing he can be. But, that is the problem. It's all a show. It is all an act. And, I, personally, am tired of being part of it. I am sick of being expected to play a part.

I. JUST. WANT. TO. BE. ME.

Good, bad, or somewhere in between, I just want to be me. I want to say what I want, feel what I want, act how I want. And it just be accepted. I don't even have to be liked! Just don't try to force me to be something different.

My counselor said that he would work with us on communicating. I get that we need that, even and especially, if we go separate ways. It's in the best interest of the kids for us to be able to communicate.

But, every encounter with him, the husband, makes me physically ill... Sick to my stomach, back and/or neck hurts, and I typically get a headache. And, I leave feeling emotionally and physically drained... Even if we don't exchange more than 5 words.

Also, I walk away feeling that there is no happy option for me... That I will 'lose' no matter what it is I decide to do.

I seriously don't know that I have walked away from an encounter with him, the husband, where I actually felt better than before the encounter... In years, if ever. I always leave an encounter with him feeling belittled, unworthy, unimportant, scammed, unappreciated. I often feel that I am viewed as ungrateful, overly demanding, unsatisfied where I shouldn't be, etc. Yet, I never 'get' anything that I've supposedly demanded or been ungrateful for or am unsatisfied with.

I always feel like I've been 'had' or as the husband has said, so proudly, on many occasions that he has slipped me the 'ol' bait and switch'.

Also, I don't feel like I'm in a fair position in regards to how he treats me. I feel like I am constantly being 'baited' so that I will react and be can use it as evidence of how I don't deserve custody of our kids.

Everything in his life, for as long as I've known him, has been about winning. And, not just a 'I want to win' attitude, but an 'I will win at any cost to any one' attitude. I fear that this is the same thing... And, that if I don't learn to play really well, and really quickly, that I will truly lose.

It isn't in my nature to 'win' at all costs... It matters to me if others are hurt by my gains... Especially if I've gained by manipulation, lies, half-truths, greed, etc.

Unfortunately, though, it doesn't seem that goodness wins out much in this world. I know that goodness ultimately wins, because God is goodness and Jesus has already won the war on the cross. It's just so hard to keep sight of that sometimes.

xoxo