A Low Week

I can't say that this week has very good. I've been down a good bit. Mainly, still kicking myself for allowing the husband to go to counseling with me. I knew better. It's the same old song and dance... Tell me what I need/want to hear to get what he wants. It's like I told my mom. This is all about winning to him. Doesn't matter the cost, as long as he comes out victorious.

The kids have to go with him this weekend. They will have to miss one of their friends' birthday parties because he doesn't want to go around 'my people' as he refers to the little girls' parents. He gave my counselor an excuse for not wanting them to go... Saying he was concerned about their safety around these people. However, if I were willing to work things out with him, I feel certain that he wouldn't have a problem with us taking the kids to the party.

He also said that some of the people that MAY be there are people that he claims he did drugs with and that would be a trigger for him. Yet, drugs, he said, aren't his real problem. It's the alcohol. But, he can be around people and places that he used to get falling down drunk. And that's not a trigger. He feels its okay and safe to take our kids around them because they are his family.

I don't have a problem with the kids seeing his family. My problem is the way he is using things to benefit his agenda. I know that he is trying to get to me anyway that he can. I know that he is hoping that I will give in and not go through with this divorce. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I keep telling myself that The Lord is taking care of and will continue to take care of my kids. And, that he will have to answer for the decisions he makes, as well as, the motives for decisions. But, that doesn't make it any easier.

I have struggled with my faith this week. Not necessarily doubting, but asking why. And, I know that it's times like these that I need to hand it all over to God and put my trust in him alone. I can do it for a little while and then I let the worry and fear creep back in.

I know that worrying is a sin, so I'm trying to combat that with reading my Bible, singing praise songs and praying all throughout the day. That helps. Usually, I can feel the anxiety dissipate.

I go back to counseling today. I am ready, too. I actually would have gone to another session last Friday if I could have. Hopefully, I will be able to work through all that I've been feeling this week and get back to a more peaceful existence.

xoxo